My personal metaverse

It's analog and infinite

I often, maybe all the time, see myself from the outside. When I’m reading, I see myself reading from a third-person view. Super-aware of the fact that I’m reading. It’s as if I’m living in a metaverse – me watching me.

I recently listened to a podcast with Karl Ove Knausgård, the author of the “Min Kamp”-series, which I’m also currently reading. In the podcast he mentioned how two of his children act and think differently. If they paint, one would paint and be immersed into the act of painting, while the other would be very aware of the fact that he/she is painting, as if it’s an act. I can really relate to the latter.

When I read, it’s like I’m part of an act or a role-play, where I read. I’m always very aware of the page number - how many pages have I read? What’s my goal for the act - 10, 20, 50 pages? What will I do when I finish reading? How long will I take to finish the book? Why am I not reading faster? Do other people lose themselves in the books they read? Or are they also playing out an act? Do the people who see me know that it’s an act? Or that it feels like one? Wait – what did I just read? I re-read the paragraph.

It’s tiring, being so self-aware in the moment. I wish I’d read, and just that. Get lost in the book. Lose the idea of time, pages and chapters. Just read.

And it doesn’t just relate to reading. I oftentimes think “I should feel this or that”, although I don’t. From observing a setting or situation, I’ll analyze and figure out what would be the “right” way to feel. Not feeling that way creates a weird distance between me and the situation. Again, me in my metaverse.

I’m currently solo-traveling in southern Thailand. I was out on a boat trip yesterday, and a wave of happiness hit me. Meeting new people. Beautiful scenery. Warm winds. Swimming. Snorkeling. But what’s interesting was my awareness of the sensation. It’s almost as if I felt the change in my feelings, the derivative of my feelings, more than the feeling itself. Again, I’m not getting lost in the feeling, because I’m so aware of it.

I think I was better at getting lost in things when I was younger. Learning to solve the Rubik’s cube. Learning to juggle or making monkey’s fists from rope (image). I think my phone, social media, and other sources of quick dopamine has made it harder to appreciate slow entertainment. If I’ve gotten more self-aware, which I’m not sure of, although I think so, my hunch is that fast entertainment is part of the reason why.

Well, I’m off to the beach to read. And just that. Hopefully.